The world did look small from the viewport. He bit into an apple and thought about where he was and what he was doing here. He couldn’t remember. There were some things he regretted. He regretted leaving her to join the space program. But he couldn’t remember what he did in the space program. It had taken him three months to complete and another three months before he was launched into orbit on the first ever solo mission to Mars. He was excited but he couldn’t fathom the excitement that surrounded him. Interviews, articles, and documentaries had been made about his life and his mission and his supposed “devotion to the quest for knowledge and truth.” It was all useless, he thought, I don’t even know who I am.
It was true. In his head, he didn’t have a name. The world just got smaller and smaller. Once it was the size of a period, he would be expected to report back to Command. He did not plan on reporting back. He was sick of their orders, their instructions on how to explore an uncharted planet. Rules would be the end of humankind, and that wasn’t something he wanted to see in his lifetime. So the first thing he would do, he decided, was detach the Transmission Nodule from the exterior of the ship.
He put his Astronaut’s suit on.
He entered the airlock.
He strapped a hundred-foot cable to a ring on his suit.
He exited the airlock.
There was no sound.
There was no sound.
He felt his head get hot but it was cold as ice outside. He was freezing to death. He just saw black. Then the Ship loomed into view. Air. Dead air. Stillness. Rush. The Transmission Nodule was somewhere. It was above him. He took a pair of Space Magnets from his backpack and dropped them. He took a backup pair out and (careful, careful) raised them towards the Nodule. He began floating towards the Nodule. It was so cold. His head felt like it might explode.
---
The Transmission Nodule was detached. Without it, no one would be able to contact him. He would be able to contact no one. He lied in his bed and tried to sleep but it was too quiet. It was too still. The scientists had eliminated all equipment noise. Radio static didn’t exist because all communication now filtered through pseudo-telepathic waves. The world was so advanced, he thought, and the machines were all so quiet. Who am I, he thought. Who am I.
The stars so bright I could taste them, he wrote into his journal. If only I could. I miss you Lex. It’s lonely here without you. In my dreams, I’m kissing you. In my dreams, I’m holding you. I don’t think I’ll be coming back. I’m sorry for that. I really am. I guess I’m sorry about a lot of things. It’s just that I think there comes a time when you’ve got to let go. Of everything. Everything you ever loved or cared for or didn’t love or ever care for. Just let it all go and be alone with yourself in your mind. This is my time. I loved you.
---
He landed on Mars. He didn’t know who he was. There was just sand. Cities of sand and heat and no water. He took off his helmet and held his breath. Sand filled his nostrils. When at last he breathed out, he breathed sand. There was no water.
Sometime later, he came across a family of Martians. They were like ghosts. Human in form but completely transparent. He could see right through them. They didn’t look at him or speak at all, but in an instant he understood everything there was to know about them. He shot them with his Ray Gun. Holes appeared in their flesh, and sand poured out. Sand poured everywhere. They were no longer transparent. He took off his suit and stripped naked. He walked over to the pile of bodies and lied on top of them. One by one, he raped them. It was good, he thought. It had been a long time.
---
The hours passed slow in the deserts of Mars. He had nothing to eat, nothing to drink. He walked, naked and free but despairing. It was so hot. There was nothing but sand. He stopped at the foot of a sand hill and climbed it in his head. When he got to the top, he felt his head turn to sand. Just millions of grains falling like water. Oh, blue water. He remembered flowers.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
... Which is what your story reminded me of.
Your story suffers from a lack of characterization. It might be a one-man-show but there really isn't an excuse for not giving your character life. Isn't there something you can say; a dream? a memory? any kind of description?
Show don't tell.
Oh okay thats perfectly- ... *blinks* ... *blinks* ... ordinary?
1) How did he "know everything about them"? What was there to know?
2) It's not a proper noun. "ray gun"
3) You never said they were transparent o begin with.
4) Then, he dies. Instantly.
5) Fantastic. I guess he must be going crazy... but... it's not necessary.
6) Since the last time he raped a martian?
And how are the martains so humanoid? It's all very wierd and very rushed. This needs to be better written, needs better characters/description, and a realistic plot.
Ahoy! I've seen you around YWS a few times, but I don't think I've ever properly introduced myself. I'm Saint and I shall be your critic today!
First things first, thoughts should be in italics. ^^
Astronaut isn't a proper noun, love. Also, you don't need the 's part.
He lay*
Another instance where you need to italicize thoughts, just to differentiate between thoughts and narration.
This should also be in italics, for the same reason.
Doesn't it take like, two years to get to Mars? Then again, you are clearly writing this in a bit of a different world, more technologically advanced. Don't mind me.
and lay on top*
Isn't Mars cold, because it's further from the sun? Unless you rearranged the order of the planets. It's still confusing. And I'm rambling again.
This is a bit of an odd story. It's written well, but it leaves me kind of... unfulfilled. I don't feel like I ever cared for the character. I never really got the opportunity to bond with him, never got to know why I should care. You might want to look into remedying that.
That's my biggest complaint. ^^
-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate